One Fond Embrace
by ballistics belle
Summary: If one of them were going to die young it would be on the job in a hail of bullets or a grand explosion violent and sudden and all together unfair. It was never supposed to be sitting on the beach in their backyard watching the sunset after months of pain
1. One Fond Embrace

**A/n: **Okay so I will warn you right away that I cried my eyes out writing this thing but it was an idea that had hijacked my brain and refused to let it go until I wrote it all out. It' s utterly depressing and I don't know why I was compelled to write it but I just got the image of the final scene stuck in my head and it was so heartbreakingly beautiful to me that I couldn't get it out of my mind. Sorry if Steve seems a little out of character. I'm also tempted to continue this to show the attempts to cope after this. Hmm...

**Disclaimers:** Number one, not my character. Number two , slash Danny/Steve, Number three, character death, Number four, very brief mention of assisted suicide like blink and you'll miss it brief, Number five, I am not a medical professional but I do know how to Google.

_I was in my early 40s with a lot of like before me when a moment came that stopped me on a dime. I spent most of the next day looking at the xrays and talking about the options and talking about sweet time. -Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying_

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><p>It was never supposed to happen like this. Never in any of their plans was Steve supposed to outlive Danny. Not that they had planned their deaths but it was always the assumption that if they were going to die young it would be on the job in a hail of bullets or a grand explosion-violent and sudden and all together unfair. It was never supposed to be sitting on the beach in their backyard watching the sunset after months of drawn out pain and suffering. And Danny was never supposed to be the first to go.<p>

It had started out as a little wheeze. Steve had noticed that Danny was having a hard time catching his breath after chasing after a suspect. He had teased him about it, telling him that he was out of shape and calling him an old man. Danny had glared at him and once he could breathe normally proceeded to rant about how not everybody has the super human abilities that Steve did. The wheezing continued and so did Steve's harassing until one frightening incident where Danny couldn't catch his breath and began turning a terrifying shade of blue. He had been taken to the ER where he was treated and diagnosed with asthma and given an rescue inhaler to use in cases of emergency. Steve had thought that had been the end of it until the wheeze became a cough.

Both men had dismissed the cough after first just as they had done with the wheezing. They had figured it was just another symptom of the asthma and they had just learned to live with it as one of his quirks like his flailing hands when he spoke or his long winded rants.

_"What is on your shirt?" Steve asked as he yanked Danny's arm over to exam the spot he had seen on his partner's shirt sleeve. "Is that blood? How the hell did you get hurt? We haven't even done anything!" Steve exclaimed. _

_"I didn't do anything!" Danny quickly rolled up his shirt sleeve but found no corresponding wound to explain the bloody spot. "I don't know where-"His words were cut off by one of his cough spasms and Steve realized in horror where the blood came from._

_"Jesus Christ Danny! You're coughing up blood!" _

_"What?" Danny reached up and brushed his fingers across his lips that were wet with fresh blood._

_"Shit." He muttered looking at his red stained fingers._

_"When did this start?" Steve asked, trying to quell the panic that was quickly rising his chest._

_"I've never noticed it before." Danny replied, seemingly very confused. Steve quickly turned the Camaro around and headed towards the hospital._

Everything had gone to hell after that. The doctors had admitted Danny to the hospital so they could run tests to determine where the blood had come from. Danny was convinced that it was nothing serious, that all of the coughing had just ruptured a few little capillaries and all this fuss was for nothing. Steve wasn't convinced and the longer and more tests that they performed on his partner, the more certain he became that something was seriously wrong. It was one of the few times in his life that Steve had hated to be right.

Small cell lung cancer. A very rare type of cancer usually found in lifelong smokers, made even rarer considering the fact that Danny had never smoked in his life. It was also an extremely deadly form of cancer with only 6% survival rate. Steve could still remember sitting in that hospital room with Danny when they heard the news. It had felt like his mother and father had died all over again and nothing was ever going to make it right.

_"I do have to warn you that the odds of beating this thing are extremely low." The doctor admitted solemnly. _

_"Ya well ask my partner, I'm too stubborn to die. Trust me, he'd know. He's been trying to kill me for awhile now." Danny joked but Steve couldn't laugh or even smile. The doctor looked uneasily between the two men before continued._

_"Mr. Williams, you have to understand. Small cell lung cancer is an extremely aggressive form of cancer that has a tendency to spread very quickly throughout the rest of the body. And unfortunately it's almost always caught too late."_

_"What are you talking about, doc? You can treat it, can't you?" Danny asked, suddenly serious. _

_"Yes we can treat it with chemotherapy and radiation...but it's not a cure." The doctor declared and Steve felt like someone had just kicked him square in the chest. _

_"Well can't you just cut out the tumor?" Danny insisted, panic slowly starting to creep into his voice._

_"It's not that simple. You have multiple tumors in your lungs and it's already metastasized to your liver. Surgery isn't an option in your case. We can treat your symptoms and make you comfortable but there's nothing we can do cure it." The doctor explained patiently. Steve dropped his head between his knees in an attempt to keep himself from being sick, plus it was a convenient way to hide the tears threatening to pour down his cheeks._

_"Make me comfortable? How much time are we talking about here?" Danny asked, still keeping it together somehow._

_"Six months...maybe a year depending on how fast it spreads." A choked sob escaped from Steve before he could stop it. _

_"I'll give you guys some time to process everything we've just talked about and then we can discuss some treatment options later." After the doctor had left, Danny had turned towards Steve and called to him softly. _

_"Steven," Steve slowly picked his head up, wipe furiously at his face to clear the tears that had betrayed him. Danny patted the side of his bed, beckoning him to come lay beside him. Steve did as told, resting his head over Danny's chest where he could listen to his heartbeat. _

_"I don't want any treatment." Danny declared as he ran his hands slowly through Steve's hair._

_"What are you talking about? You have to-"_

_"No, babe I don't." Danny corrected gently. "If I'm going to die, I'm not going to do it lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines too sick to spend time with Grace and you and the team. If I'm going out, I'm doing it on my own terms." _

_"Okay." Steve agreed. He wrapped his arms tightly around Danny as he started to sob._

The week after Danny had been discharged had been pure hell. The only person who had taken the news well had been Danny. Rachel had broken down into an inconsolable mess and Kono hadn't done much better. Chin had gotten angry and Grace simply didn't understand. After his breakdown at the hospital, Steve had forced himself to compartmentalize his feelings so that he could be the strong one. That was the role that Danny and everybody else needed him to fill for now. He could fall apart later.

The first few months had been okay. Danny was weaker and had begun to lose weight but he was still able to work (although he had started to cut down on how much time he spent in the field) and after the initial shock of it all, everybody had returned to acting relatively normal which was how Danny had wanted it claiming _'I know I'm dying, but I don't plan on doing it today. Save the faces and the puppy dogs eyes for my death bed'_. It was enough that sometimes they could convince themselves that everything was okay. And then Steve found Danny on the bedroom floor, unconscious and not breathing, suddenly nothing was okay.

"_Pulmonary embolism. It's a common complication with small cell. Thankfully it got trapped in the lung and didn't make its way to his heart or it could have killed him almost instantly." The doctor explained. Steve's stomach dropped at the thought of how close he had come to losing Danny. He wasn't ready. Not yet. _

"_Is he going to be okay?" Steve asked though it sounded more like begging._

"_For now. We were able to remove the clot and stabilize his breathing. The tricky part is going to be getting him off the ventilator. We don't want to keep him on it for too long because the longer he stays on it the harder it becomes to get him off it but we also don't want to risk him not being able to push enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Hopefully as the week progresses we can start to wean him off." Steve let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and ran a hand over his face as he thanked the doctor._

"_You hear that Danno?" Steve asked, leaning down over the rail of the bed to whisper in Danny's ear. "You're going to be okay. It's not time yet. You got to be strong just a little bit longer so they can take this tube out of your throat so we can go home. I know you don't want to be here any longer than you have to."_

Danny had spent two weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to go home to what would become known as Steve and Danny's new normal. Danny was too weak to be able to go back to work full time but he would still come in with Steve on his good days and work in the office. The Governor had been wise enough not to say it to his face but Steve knew that she wanted him to hire somebody to replace Danny on the taskforce (nobody could ever take his place) but Steve didn't have the heart or the willingness to do it while Danny was still living and breathing among them. Eventually though, Danny's trips to the Palace became less and less frequent and he would spend his days outside in his favorite lounge chair on the lanai where he mostly slept. Around this time, Steve took leave to be able to be with Danny full time, soaking up every precious moment he could.

Steve knew the end was coming when one of Danny's lungs collapsed. As he sat there holding Danny while he gasped for every terrifying breath, Steve panicked thinking that was it. That he was going to lose Danny right then and there on the lanai, absolutely helpless to do anything for the man he loved. But Danny had a little fight in him left and had made it to the hospital where they inserted a chest tube to re-inflate the lung for the little good it would do.

"_We were able to re-inflate his lung but it's only a matter of time before the other one collapses or this one goes down again. I'm afraid we're nearing the end." The doctor warned though Steve had already figured as much. _

"_Any idea how long?" _

"_It's hard to say. It could be today, tomorrow, a week from now. It's anybody's guess." Steve nodded. _

"_If you take out the chest tube, will it….happen faster?" He asked, not able to put it in words just yet._

"_Well I wouldn't recommend it but he should be stable for awhile at least." The doctor replied, clearly confused._

"_Then take it out. This isn't the way he wants to go, Doc. He doesn't want to be all hooked up to machines and tubes." Steve replied. The doctor nodded and left to go get the nurse. Steve went to his partner's bedside and ran his hand gently over his head. Danny opened his eyes and looked up at Steve where he could obviously read the message in his eyes. _

"_I want to go home, Steve." Danny pleaded. Steve leaned down and kissed the top of his head._

"_I know Danno. The doctor's going to take the tube out ….and then we're going to go home."_

Steve had left the room while the doctor got Danny ready to leave to make the appropriate phone calls. Before they left, the doctor had slipped a small syringe into Steve's hand. _"To make him comfortable" _he said, looking Steve directly in the eye and the SEAL had gotten the message. Everybody had been waiting for them at the house when they returned from the hospital and they had sat out on the lanai, Danny in his chair and for the afternoon they were able to act like things were normal. But as the sun slowly began to set, Steve and everyone else could see that Danny was starting to fade fast. One by one, everyone began to say their goodbyes.

"_How lucky am I to know someone who is so hard to say goodbye to?" Chin said with a smile as he sat next to Danny. "You rest now, brah. I'll take care of the big guy for ya." He promised and leaned down to kiss his friend's cheek. "Aloha bruddah." He patted Danny's arm before standing and heading into the house where the others were. Gracie was the last to go._

"_I don't want you to go Danno. I want you to stay here with me forever but you always told me not to be selfish. Steve and Mommy told me that you're tired and that you hurt and I don't want you to hurt anymore. I know you'll always be watching over me and keeping me safe but it won't be the same. I'm gonna miss you so much Danno. I'll try not to cry too much but it'll be really hard. I don't want you to worry about me though. I'll be okay. And I'll take care of Steve for you and make sure he doesn't get to sad." Grace gave her father a kiss and put a hand on his cheek. "It's okay Danno. You can go now." _

_Steve and Rachel, who had been standing in the doorway the whole time, were barely keeping it together as they watched the little girl say goodbye to her father. Steve lost it though when Danny reached out to touch Grace's face and told her_

"_Always remember that Danno loves you." He reminded. Grace nodded and Danny closed his eyes as Grace ran to her mother. When it was just the two of them again, Steve carefully sat down next to Danny slightly relieved to still see his chest slowly rising and falling. "I want to go onto the beach." Danny whispered. "Want to put my feet in the water."_

"_Okay." Steve agreed. He carefully carried Danny down to the water's edge where he sat with Danny tucked up against his chest between Steve's legs. _

"_You have to promise me something Steven." Danny said, his breathing beginning to labor. _

"_I promise I'll take care of Gracie." Steve replied._

"_You have to promise …..to take care of yourself too….. You have to go on without me... Just because my life is ending …doesn't mean yours has to as well... I don't want you….to become cold and distant…..worked too hard to….open you up….you don't always have to …be the strong one….promise me you'll find….a new partner…."_

"_Danny I couldn't…."_

"_Yes you can." Danny insisted. "…even if its Chin…..or Kono…..you have to have…..somebody…..I don't want you….to be alone…and Steve…it's okay…..if you find someone else….it's okay …..to love again…..just don't forget me…"_

"_Ahh Danno, I could never forget you." Steve confessed, tears freely running down his face. "And I'll always love you. Always." _

"_Well that….is good." Danny's breathing became more and more labor and Steve knew it was time. "Has the sun….. set yet?"_

"_Just about." _

"_Good." Danny closed his eyes and rested his head back onto Steve's chest. "Remember, Danno loves you." He tilted his face slightly towards Steve's and their lips brushed gently as Steve could feel the final breath leave his lover's body._

"_I love you too, Danny." Steve sobbed, burying his face into Danny's hair. _

By the time the sun had completely set, Danny was gone.


	2. Ere I Depart

**A/n: **So I was going to leave this as a one shot and then I got all sorts of ideas on how I could continue on with it and show the coping and grieving process that happens after you lose someone you love so I decided to continue on with it. **WARNING**: At any point in this story it may be incredibly sad and you may cry. I'm putting that disclaimer right out there. I almost cried again writing this chapter so I know how you feel.

_Clock still ticking, life goes on, radio still plays a song as I try to put my scattered thoughts in place. It takes all the strength I've got to stumble to the coffee pot, the first of many lonely mornings I'll have to face. You call to see if I'm okay, I look out the window and I just say. Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark, I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart.-Reba McEntire, For My Broken Heart_

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><p>Steve wanted it all to just be a bad dream. He wanted to open his eyes and look over to see Danny lying peacefully in bed, looking happy and healthy. He wanted to pretend that he hadn't held his partner in his arms as he took his last breath watching the sun set slowly behind the mountains. He wanted to pretend that his entire life hadn't just been destroyed <em>again <em>by the death of someone he loved so dearly. But as Steve's eyes blinked open, the early morning sun poured in through the front windows and he realized that it had all been true. Danny was really gone.

Opening his blurry eyes further, Steve took a minute to survey his surroundings. He was on the couch in the living room. It was certainly not the most comfortable place for a man his size to spend the night but he glad that somehow he had enough sense last night to realize that he wasn't ready to face that big lonely bed upstairs. Finally awake enough to function, Steve rolled himself off the couch and stumbled his way into the guest bathroom down the hall which thankfully neutral. He didn't have to look down at the sink and see Danny's green toothbrush still in the holder next to his blue one. He didn't have to open the medicine cabinet and see far too many prescription bottles with Danny's name on them or see the big soft black towels that Danny had bought because it was "killing for sport" to even bother with white when it came to Steve. The SEAL held onto the sink for a few minutes, taking deep steadying breaths trying to work up the courage to go into the kitchen where he knew the memories would ambush him.

The automatic coffee pot (a gift to Danny from Kono one Christmas) already had a pot of dark rich liquid waiting for him. Steve's hand shook as he poured himself a mug and he cursed at himself.

"You're a SEAL damn it. Pull yourself together." He told himself as he took a few half hearted sips of coffee.

There was a lot that still had to be done. There where phone calls that had to be made (to Danny's parents which was a conversation Steve was NOT ready to handle yet), funeral arrangements to be dealt with as well as all of the legalities that came with dying. The only good thing-if it could even be considered such-was that Steve and Danny had known that this was coming so they were able to put all of Danny's affairs in order to make sure that everything was taken care of when he was gone.

Steve knew he should get started on it all but he just couldn't bring himself to move from his spot in the kitchen where he could look out the window and see the spot where they had last been together. Had it really only been just over twelve hours ago that he had held Danny? That he had spoken to him? Kissed him and told him that he loved him? That's what the clock was telling him but in his heart, it felt like a lifetime ago.

_Maybe it was. _Steve thought to himself because the life he was faced with now was never going to be the same as the life he had with Danny.

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><p>Steve had managed to make it out of the kitchen and all the way back to the living room couch which was where Chin and Kono had found him later that morning. He couldn't bring himself to go upstairs yet, so he had settled back on the couch where he was currently working on a list of all the things that needed to be done.<p>

"Hey Steve, how are you holding up?" Chin asked, knowing it was kind of a stupid question but felt the need to ask anyways. Steve looked up at the two of them as if he was trying to figure out what they were doing there before he answered.

"I'm..." He didn't know what to say. He certainly wasn't fine or good or anything close to a positive adjective but he didn't know exactly how to describe how he was feeling because...he wasn't really feeling anything or maybe he was feeling everything. Whatever it was, it was too complex for word so he just shrugged.

"What's this?" Kono asked, gesturing to his notepad as she sat down next to him.

"It's a list of all the things I need to do." Steve answered with a heavy sigh. It was a long list and he had no motivation to do any of it.

"What can we do to help?" She offered.

"I don't know. There's so much to do. I have phone calls that need to be made, HPD needs to be notified, funeral arrangements have to be made. I have to contact the lawyer about Danny's estate..." He rambled. Kono set a hand on his leg.

"Let us help, Steve. You're not alone in dealing with this." She stated.

"Yeah but Danny was my partner-"

"And he was our friend. Please, let us do this for him and for _you._" Chin added. Steve sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Let me deal with HPD." Chin offered. Steve gave his friend a look. "It's the least I can do for him."

"And I can help you make some of the arrangements." Kono said, wrapping her arms around Steve, who leaned into the embrace slightly.

"Thanks guys." Steve said, his voice slightly rough with emotion.

"It's what ohana is for." Kono replied.

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><p>Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he opened the closet door. He had finally forced himself up the stairs (with Kono's help. It was easier not being alone) and into the bedroom. They had made the call to the funeral home who had wanted to know what they wanted Danny to be buried in and other preferences if they had them. At the time, Steve had been reluctant to discuss the topic but now he was glad that Danny had all but forced him to talk about what he wanted after he was gone.<p>

_"I don't want to be buried in a tie." Danny stated randomly as he watched Steve get dressed for the day. _

_"What?" Steve said, his words muffled by the t-shirt he was pulling over his head._

_"I don't want to be buried in a tie." Danny repeated. "Put me in my police uniform."_

_"Can we not talk about this?" Steve asked, rubbing a hand over his face roughly in a clear sign of discomfort._

_"Why? Because you're uncomfortable? Steven, we have to deal with this." Danny said forcefully._

_"Why? You planning on dying tomorrow?" Steve snapped._

_"Hey," Danny said, the sharpness gone from his voice. "I know this is difficult and you don't want to face reality but I'm dying. Nothing is going to change that and I don't want you to be unprepared when it happens. We need to sit down and figure out all the details so you know when the time comes." He explained, ever the logical one. Steve sat back down on the bed roughly._

_"This sucks." He stated with all the effect of a petulant child._

_"Tell me about it, babe. I'm the one with the death sentence." Danny said, sitting down next to him._

_"How can you be so...glib about all of this?" Steve exclaimed, hand flourish and all._

_"How else am I supposed to be? Getting depressed about it isn't change anything. I came to terms with dying young a long time ago. You can't make it in our line of work if you don't. I just didn't expect to go out like this. I at least expected to give you the opportunity to avenge my death." Danny said, only slightly joking._

_"I've avenged enough deaths in my life." Steve stated._

_"That's what worries me." Danny replied, serious again. Steve just looked at him. "I'm worried about how you're going to cope. Every time you've lost someone, you've had a motivation to go on. I'm just afraid that this time you won't have one." He said honestly._

_"I have a reason to go on. A really good one." Steve declared. _

_"And what would that be?" Danny asked curiously._

_"To make sure that Gracie never forgets that her Danno loves her." Steve said, his voice clogging him emotion. Danny had to look away from him for a moment. _

_"That is a really good reason." Danny whispered when he finally had himself under control again._

"Steve?" Kono called out, breaking him out of the memory. "Everything alright?" She asked, looking concerned.

"Everything's fine." Steve replied automatically. "I found his uniform. It might be a little big, ya know with all the weight he's lost..." He added absently.

"I'm sure he'll still look real good in it." She assured.

Steve just nodded and clutched the clothing close to him. It smelled just the way Steve remembered him smelling-fresh, bright and bold-and he was afraid that was going to be the first memory of Danny to go.


	3. Only The Good Die Young

**A/n: **So first off, I apologize for any baseball analogy you may find in this chapter or story. It's summertime and my life becomes consumed by baseball in the summer. Second and more importantly, I'm beginning to find this story kind of therapeutic for me and I hope it is for those of you reading as well. These are not easy emotions to deal with but it helps to be able to express them in this way. I lost both of my grandfathers who I loved very much. One of them was 87 and had suffered from chronic health problems until finally his heart just gave out. I was somewhat prepared for his death but my other grandfather died suddenly the day after Christmas from a severe brain hemorrhage. He was only 60 years old and it was incredibly hard for me to deal with and I still seven years later struggle with losing him. So this story is a little bit of therapy for me. Thank you all for your kind support and I appreciate all that you have told me. This chapter is dedicated to my two grandfathers (Charles and Paul) in honor of Father's day and all of the wonderful fathers and grandfathers who are looking down on us from above. You are always loved and remembered.

**Disclaimer: **Slight spoilers for the end of season 1 but like blink and you'll miss it.

_It makes me sad sometimes though…Andy being gone. I just have to remind myself that some birds just aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away…the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.—The Shawshank Redemption._

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><p>Chin was exhausted. The last few days had been physically and emotionally draining. He had been the one to find Steve and Danny sitting on the beach with Steve still holding on, refusing to let go of Danny's body, claiming that he was still warm. After calling the funeral home to come take Danny's body away, Chin had managed to get Steve inside and onto the couch where he stayed with the SEAL until he fell into a restless sleep.<p>

Since that night he hadn't spent much time away from the McGarrett house. He and Kono had been around helping with the funeral arrangements and all the other details that had to be dealt with. Steve was dealing with everything surprisingly well considering the situation and Chin could tell by the look on the younger man's face that he had put himself into mission mode. As long as there were things that needed to be done, Steve could shut off his emotions. It was what was going to happen after the funeral that had Chin worried.

Sitting down one of the deck chairs out on the lanai, Chin leaned his head back and sighed. It had been a long year since Danny's diagnosis and Chin was trying to find solace in the fact that his friend was no longer suffering anymore but it was hard not to feel a little sorry for himself.

"Lord, of all the men you could have chosen to take home early, why'd you have to pick him?" Chin wondered aloud.

Danny Williams was one of the truly good people that he had met in his life. Chin had become disenchanted by the idea of loyalty after having been exiled from his family for a crime he didn't even commit. He thought he had been doing the right thing by covering for his uncle but as time went on and the cloud over his head became darker and darker, he started to doubt his choice. But then Detective Danny Williams entered his life and showed him what true loyalty was. It was constantly believing the best about people and sticking by the people who mean the most, especially when things are going wrong even if they are in fact at fault. Chin had seen Danny remain loyal to his former partner though it meant standing up to his current one. It had struck something deep inside of Chin. He had been desperate at times for just one person to be on his side. Sure he always had Kono but she was so young and somewhat naïve. To have the respect and loyalty of a guy like Danny meant more the disgraced detective than his friend would ever know. And now his friend was gone.

"Why God? You could have taken me instead. I would have taken his place." Chin whispered to himself as his throat began to constrict. "He didn't deserve to go like that. Hadn't he already suffered enough in his life?" He demanded.

Resiliency was one of the characteristics that Chin had most admired in Danny. Life kept throwing curveballs at him and he always managed to foul them off somehow to stay alive in the count. But the cancer had caught him—caught them all—by surprise and it was just too much to overcome. The thing that had effect Chin the most after he had found out about the diagnosis was how Danny seemed to be able to keep everything in perspective. He was constantly reminding all of them that yes he had been handed a death sentence but he wasn't planning on dying that day. Watching Danny through the last year of his life had given Chin a new outlook on life. He gained a new appreciation for the small things and some of the things he had thought of as problems suddenly weren't as big of a deal anymore. It was a bittersweet lesson to learn but Danny Williams had taught him how to live and how to die.

"Hey cuz, you alright out here?" Kono asked as she slipped out the back door onto the lanai.

"Yeah," Chin replied softly. "How's Steve doing?"

"He's…okay." Kono answered, unsure of how exactly to describe her boss's current state. "He's passed out on the couch right now. I still couldn't get him upstairs into the bed."

She had tried to reason with Steve that there was no way that the couch was comfortable for a man his size and that he didn't need to be suffering with a bad back on top of everything else but the SEAL had literally dug in his heels and refused to move. Kono didn't have the heart to argue when she saw the slightly haunted look he got every time he even looked up the stairs. It was enough of an accomplishment that she had managed to get him into the bedroom the other day to get Danny's uniform, let alone if they could him to shower up there in the morning. Most of the time he used the guest bathroom downstairs and dressed from the clothes he found in the laundry room. He had run out of pants today and Kono had given in and brought more down for him despite her better judgment. She knew he couldn't avoid half of his house forever, but at the moment Steve was so emotionally fragile that she was afraid of pushing too hard for fear of breaking him.

"Let's just hope he gets some sleep tonight because I doubt he'll get any tomorrow night." Chin stated. It was a slim chance that Steve would sleep at all the night before Danny's funeral because it was unlikely that Chin would either.

"How are _you_ doing?" Kono asked. Danny's death hadn't been easy on any of them but she knew that Danny was one of the few friends that Chin had and they had been close.

"Just trying to make sense of it all, cuz." He answered. "It doesn't seem does it? All the scum that we put away and all the ones that are still out there. They're still living and breathing, yet, a guy like Danny, a truly good guy who only had good intentions in his life and he's gone forever leaving so much behind. It just seems so wrong." Chin explained. "There's a greater plan for us all, I truly believe that. I just hope that someday it's all explained to me because sometimes I just don't understand what it's all supposed to mean."


	4. 21 Guns

**A/n: **I had been asked in a review how long the guys have been together and in this story I figured they'd been together around five years, starting from when they first met to when Danny died so figure they were in a serious relationship for like three and a half years. I also figure that Steve and Danny are around the same age so in this one they'd be around 37 or 38. Reverend Turner's poem is by Yvonne Legge. I changed the names around some. "God Saw You Getting Tired" is an anonymous poem I found online. **Warning: **You're going to cry, just going to put that out there. This is Danny's funeral and everybody cries at funerals.

_The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray. Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt. Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she'd ever heard. Then they handed her a folded up flag and she held on to all she had left of him and what could have been, then the guns rang out one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart..-Carrie Underwood, Just A Dream_

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><p>Steve thought that he was prepared for this. Hell, he'd had a year to come to terms with the fact that he was going to lose the love of his life. But throughout those months there were other things that had taken precedence over learning to deal with his grief. It had been far easier to savor every precious moment they had rather than agonize over their impending end. The last year with Danny had made the four before it seem like another life time.<p>

_Maybe it was. _Steve thought to himself. They had lived life differently after the diagnosis, a fact that Steve had both loved and hated. He loved how open everything had become between them but he also missed the carefree days when their banter was innocent and light. He missed the days when they didn't have to force themselves to laugh.

Steve sighed as he looked down at his uniform lying on the bed. He was starting to hate the sight of it and what it represented. The medals and ribbons glared back at him from the suit jacket. Lieutenant Commander Steven J McGarrett, Navy SEAL and professional badass. That's what the black and gold uniform represented. But that wasn't Steve anymore. Not since he met Detective Danny Williams. So Steve quickly grabbed the uniform off the bed and shoved it into the back of the closet. Today, for Danny, he would wear a simple suit and tie.

* * *

><p>If Chin and Kono were surprised about his choice of attire they didn't show it. They simply ushered him out to Chin's SUV. Chin was grateful that he had thought to pull the Camaro into the garage and out of sight. The fewer triggers they could encounter today the better.<p>

The cousins couldn't help but be a little surprised though when Steve informed them that Danny had chosen to be buried here in Hawaii. It had almost been assumed that Danny would be buried back in New Jersey but Steve had said that Danny wanted to remain close to Grace (and Steve they thought to themselves).

The Governor had offered to get special clearance to allow Danny to be buried in Punchbowl, but Steve had refused. That was where his father was buried, and while it was his death that had originally brought him and Danny together, Steve didn't want them to share an eternal resting place. The place that he had chosen was a small little graveyard just down the road from the house. It was a quiet place with a view of the ocean and a beautiful place to watch the sunsets. Steve figured his partner would have appreciated the simplicity of the cemetery with no outrageous or gaudy headstones, just simple markers to acknowledge those interred within its gates.

Chin, Kono and Steve were one of the first guests to arrive. The cemetery already had the gravesite prepared for the service with a few rows of chairs set up next to where the coffin would be placed.

Steve didn't actually know how the services were going to go. Danny had asked for a police funeral which the Governor and Chief of Police had gladly granted and other than putting in the request, Steve had left the details to Danny's mother and sisters.

"_The funeral is really for them_." _Danny had pointed out one night while they were going over some of the end of life details._ "_What am I going to know or care if there are roses or lilies at my graveside? The only thing that matters to me is that the people who love me and know me find some kind of comfort and closure from it."_

It was such a typical Danny response. His own wishes and wants always came second to the needs of those around him. Steve hadn't told Danny, but he was grateful for the fact that he didn't have to deal with the mundane details of what flowers arrangements to have or what music to play. He had enough other things to deal with like all of the legal paper work and what to do with that big house now that it was just him again.

Kono looped her arm with Steve's and began to walk slowly with him towards the gravesite.

"You know, I couldn't help but think this morning how Danny would have just been appalled by this weather today." She stated as they slowly walked. "You know he would have had some comment about how it's impossible to properly mourn someone with all of this sunshine. 'How can you possibly be depressed with rainbows and sunshine? That's the problem with this pineapple-infested hellhole'." Kono said, doing her best impression of her friend complete with hand gestures. It got her desired effect too because it brought a smile to Steve's face.

"He would have bitched." Steve agreed. "Probably beg for a monsoon or something as excessively dramatic as him." He added but his smile quickly fell. He would have given anything to hear that rant from his partner.

"Ya but even he would have to agree that this isn't a bad spot to spend forever." Chin said softly as he looked back at the ocean.

"The ocean was always a part of his life." Steve replied as he looked back too. "He had the shore back in Jersey, and now he has it here."

Kono smiled and patted his arm as more cars began to pull up. The first one contained Danny's parents, Charlie and Maggie Williams. Steve was a little nervous to see them. They had only met a few times over the years that he and Danny were together and while they had never been mean or rude to him, there was always a feeling of uncertainty that lingered in the air when they were around, like they weren't sure whether or not Steve was good for their son. Maggie approached Steve first and she held out her arms to him. He stepped forward awkwardly into her embrace.

"Oh Steve, I just can't believe Daniel's really gone. My baby boy is gone forever." She said as she began to cry into his chest. Steve rubbed his hand soothingly across her back and looked Kono, unsure of what to say.

"I know its hard Mrs. Williams." Kono said, stepping forward and placing her hand on the older woman's back. "But Danny's in a better place now. He doesn't feel any pain anymore." She added as she gently pried Danny's mother off of Steve. Charlie had made his way over by this point and he wrapped an arm around his wife.

"Come on Margaret. It's alright." He said as if he were speaking to a child. He held out a hand for Steve to shake. "It's nice to see you again, Commander. Just wish it wasn't like this." Charlie greeted. Steve just nodded and shook his hand before the couple headed over to the seating area.

The next ones to approach him were Danny's two sisters. Audrey, the oldest of the two, was average. Or at least that's how Danny had described her to Steve.

"_I'm not trying to be mean when I say it but Audrey has never been one to stand out in a crowd. She's never wanted to, she always left that to Casey. Audrey's ambition in life was to be just like everybody else and she succeeded gloriously." _

Audrey's dark blonde hair was pulled back in a simple ponytail and she wore a basic black sleeveless sheath dress. She carried what appeared to be the youngest of her three children in her arms while her husband was in charge of the other two.

"How are you holding up?" She asked as she gave him a one armed hug.

"I'm fine." Steve replied automatically, his voice rough from crying and lack of use.

"It's just not going to be the same without him, ya know?" Audrey commented as tears began to run down her face. Steve just nodded as she went to join her parents.

Casey was the last of the Williams clan to approach. Her deep red hair (clearly a dye job considering all of the others were blonde) fell around her face and shoulders in gentle waves and her stilettos sank slightly in the moist ground. She took both of Steve's hands in hers as she looked up at him through large black sunglasses.

"I'm so sorry, Steve." She stated. Steve looked down at her confused.

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you? You lost him too." Steve asked.

"Ya but it's different. We're blood, Danny had to have us in his life. But he chose to love and have you in his life and that's something special Steve. That's a bond that can never be broken, not even through death." Casey explained. "It also hurts more to lose that kind of love. Which is why as sorry as I feel for myself because I no longer have my brother, I feel even worse for you because you lost your soul mate." Steve silently cursing his choice to not wear his uniform where he would have had the security of his cover to hide under so he bowed his head, not wanting to show how much her words had affected him. Casey patted his hands and then went to join the rest of her family.

The rest of the guests slowly began to fill in and many of them stopped to greet Steve and give their condolences but Steve had tuned everything out the moment that the hearse had arrived. Danny was here and this was the last time they would be together on the same side of the grass. It was a morbid way to think but Steve couldn't stop himself.

Reverend Turner, the HPD Chaplin, was officiating over the service. Danny's mother had wanted a Catholic service but Danny wasn't exactly in good standings with the Catholic Church after his divorce and subsequent relationship with another man, so they had called upon Reverend Turner who would try to get as close as possible to what his mother had wanted.

When the majority of the people had arrived, the Reverend had given the signal for the pallbearers to retrieve the casket from the hearse. It was a moment that Steve had been dreading and Chin knew it, so he pressed his hand on his friend's back and led him over slowly.

_He should be heavier. _Steve thought to himself as he started to carry the wooden box. While Danny might have been slight in stature, he was sturdy in size. At least, he had been when he was healthy. He had lost so much weight and become so frail towards the end. It had pained Steve to see his lover turn into a shell of the man that he knew and it took all the will power he had to remember Danny at his best and not his worst.

The casket had been draped with two flags. One was the state flag of New Jersey and the other was the state flag of Hawaii. The presence of the second flag was a bit of surprise for Steve. He figured that there would probably be the Jersey flag but including Hawaii had touched him. As they slowly made there way over to the group of mourners, the bagpipes began to slowly play a tune that Steve eventually recognized as 'Nearer My God to Thee'. It was hauntingly beautiful as it echoed through the cemetery. When the casket was in place at the graveside, Steve took his place beside Casey, who was sitting in one of the end chairs. Chin, Kono, Rachel, Stan and Grace stood next to him.

"When someone special passes, it does not mean that they are gone. Though they are no longer with us, their memory still lives on. It hurts so much to lose a friend, especially one so trustworthy and kind. Daniel, you were that special friend, a rare and unique find. Daniel, you will always be with us, in spirit and in mind. You will always have a special place in our hearts, forever until the end of time. Daniel, we will not say goodbye, this is not the end. So we will just say so long…until we meet again." Reverend Turner recited as the last notes from the bagpipes faded.

"Friends and family, we are gathered here today to celebrate the eternal soul of Daniel Charles Williams who has been sent home to our heavenly father to rest in his kingdom forever. In Revelations 21 we are told that 'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there shall be no more death or mourning or crying or pain for the old order of things has passed away'. Its words like this that bring us comfort in moments such as this. We want to believe that with 'A new heaven and a new earth' that we could erase the pain and suffering that comes with death but we know that this cannot be. Death is the cruelest part of living especially when it comes so sudden and soon as it did for Daniel. But we also know that while the bodies of those we love are gone, their souls and spirits live on through us in words and deeds. Daniel's sister Audrey has asked to say a few words in memory of her brother." Audrey slowly rose from her chair and gave Steve's arm a squeeze as she passed by.

"God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be, so he put his arms around you and whispered 'come to me'. With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away and although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart has stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to show us that he only takes the best."

Steve, who had his hand in Kono's as they stood together, had unconsciously tightened his grip on her at the mention of a cure. It had been a touchy subject with Steve because Danny had refused any kind of treatment for the cancer. Steve hadn't agreed with the decision and they had fought over it multiple times. Steve thought it was being passive in the face of the enemy whereas Danny refused to let the cancer take anymore from him than it already was. Ultimately Danny always won with the argument that none of it mattered because he was dead either way, something Steve hated being reminded of.

Other members of Danny's family, some guys from HPD and even Chin had all stood up to talk about what a wonderful person Danny was but Steve was having a hard time focusing. In the distance he could see the police honor guard setting up for their part of the ceremony which was what he was looking forward to the least. The police honors, like military honors, were always the hardest to watch. As Chin was heading back to his position at Steve's side, the officers slowly made their way to the coffin.

Four of them removed each of the flags and began to carefully fold them as Taps was being played in the distance. When the last notes echoed through the cemetery, one of the officers (who happened to be one of Danny's buddies from the force in Jersey) presented the flag from New Jersey to Danny's mother. Steve had to look away. He'd watched too many mothers and young wives in this same scene too many times in his life and every time had been left with the same thought. _'It's a beautiful and somewhat comforting gesture but it doesn't make things any better,'_ Maggie took the flag and clutched it to her chest as she began to sob. Steve turned to look forwards when he realized that the Chief of the Honolulu Police Department was standing before him, holding the folded Hawaiian flag.

"On behalf of a grateful state, we present this flag to you in honor of your partner's service and sacrifice to the people of Hawaii." He stated, handing the folded cloths over to Steve who could only stare at it in pained confusion. He hadn't expected them to present the flag to him. He thought it would have gone to Grace.

Before he could question the gesture though, the officers snapped to attention as the rifle squad raised their weapons and fired off the first round of the salute. Steve hadn't been prepared for it and he had flinched slightly as the sound of the gunfire. It brought back too many memories that he didn't know how to deal with. After all, he had been the sound of gunfire over a garbled cell phone that had changed his entire world over five years ago. If his father hadn't been murdered, Steve never would have returned to Hawaii to avenge his father's death and become entangled with the Governor and the 5-0. Then again, if Steve's mother had never been murdered, he wouldn't have left Hawaii the way he did and the island would have always felt more like home to him instead of a painful reminder of what he'd had and lost. Either way, the outcome was the same as the one he was faced with now—a life without Danny in it.


	5. Counting on Forever

**A/N: **Warning for some foul language. I planned to show the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief which includes anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance and depression. Of course with this model there is no particular order in which these emotions occur and some people may not go through all the stages (though most experience at least two) and some get stuck or may repeat stages. I'll try to give a definition of the stage that's being dealt with.

**Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. (Wikipedia)**

_Baby why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I can't even breathe. It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background everybody's saying he's not coming home now. This can't be happening to me. This is just a dream. –Carrie Underwood, Just a Dream._

* * *

><p>Awkwardness was not something that Rachel Edwards had thought would be associated with her ex-husband's funeral but that was exactly how she was feeling. When she arrived at the cemetery with Stan and Grace, Steve was already there with the other members of his team as well as Danny's family. The Williams clan had never much liked Rachel and the divorce certainly hadn't made things any better. His sisters were always reserved around her as if they couldn't figure out whether or not they could trust her and his mother never tried to hide her dislike. Charlie Williams was the only one who was pleasant to her, even more so after Steve and Danny became a couple. She figured it had something to do with the fact that he couldn't quite accept the fact that his only remaining son was in love with a man.<p>

The funeral had been everything that Rachel had pictured in her nightmares save for the fact that it was Steve receiving the flag from the casket instead of her. In some irrational part of her mind, she had been slightly jealous when she saw them present the folded cloth to her ex's partner. She shouldn't have been jealous of Steve. She and Danny had been divorced for six years and they had both moved on to other people. But if Rachel were being truly honest with herself, she had always been a little jealous of Steve McGarrett because he got more of Danny than she could have even hoped for. When Danny was with Steve he was open, expressive and didn't hold anything back, good or bad. Looking back, Rachel realized she was partly to blame for not seeing that side of him. She didn't want to know the bad things. She couldn't understand the grateful feeling after a close call. She had only known the terror of what ifs. It had been a huge burden on Danny to have to keep the bad things in appease her so she knew it was a huge relief for him to be with Steve—someone who understood far better than she ever could.

It was also why Rachel was worried about Steve. She had been watching him throughout the service but his face was unreadable. She had expected to see pain, or sadness or even anger and all three had made appearance across the man's face but for the most part, Steve wore a mask that hid his true emotions from the rest of the world. Nobody knew how he was going to react to this. After his parents' death, Danny had told her that Steve had vengeance to motivate him to get through the grief. But this time there was no one to blame, no bad guy to hunt down and bring to justice. It concerned Rachel because even without Danny, Steve was a part of her life from now on. Danny had made her promise before he died that she would allow Steve to maintain a relationship with Grace.

"_They're going to need each other, Rach. Super SEAL may deny it but Grace won't. Gracie's going to need Steve to help her remember me and Steve's going to need Grace as a reason to keep living."_

At the time, it had seemed like an awful lot of responsibility to put on such a young girl but looking at Steve now, Rachel could see what Danny was talking about. As they had lowered the casket into the ground and Chin and Kono had led Steve back to the car, another emotion had become clear in his eyes. Without Danny in his life, Steve was lost.

* * *

><p>"Steve?" Rachel called out softly as she closed the door behind her. Everyone had gone back to the house after the service for coffee. Steve had wondered around for awhile, shaking hands and accepting condolences before she had spotted him slipping out on the lanai about twenty minutes ago and he had yet to return.<p>

"What is it?" Steve asked roughly. He didn't turn around but she could tell he was on the verge of-if not already-crying.

"Governor Jameson is looking for you. She wanted to give you her condolences." Rachel informed him.

"Well that's very kind of her," Steve responded bitterly. "But I don't need hers or anyone else's 'condolences'." She sighed.

"Steve, they're just trying to be sympathetic." She countered.

"What fucking good is their sympathy?" Steve shouted as he finally turned to face her. Angry tears were running down his flushed cheeks as the rage burned in his eyes. "Sympathy doesn't change the fact that Danny is dead. _Nothing _is going to change that. So I refuse to smile politely while bunch of people who claim to know him tell me what a great man he was. I already fucking know how wonderful he was because I loved him!"

The emotions that had been building in Steve for almost a week now were boiling to the surface and the anger he had been feeling for over a year took dominance over his other feelings at the moment. Rachel understood. She knew it was part of the grieving process and that the man before her was going through something completely overwhelming but it didn't change the fact that his words had hurt her slightly. She and Danny hadn't been together for a long time now and it was clearly that Danny had found in Steve what she could never give him but none of that changed the fact that she had still loved Danny. That had never been the issue with their marriage. The issue was that their love wasn't enough to overcome all the other problems that found their way into the marriage.

"Steve, we're all going through this together." She stated even though what she really wanted to tell him was that this wasn't any easier for her but it didn't feel appropriate.

"Oh really? If we're all in this together then where were all these people for the last year? Where were they when the doctors told him he only had a few months left to live, huh? Where were they when Danny was too sick to even get out of bed to spend a couple hours with Gracie? Where were they when the depression sank in and almost stole him away even sooner? I was there every fucking day for the past year. I was the one who held him upright when he couldn't stop vomiting. I was the one who had to convince him not to give up so easily. And now I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces that he left behind and somehow go on with my life. Where's everybody going to be then?"

"Right there by your side." Kono stated as she joined the two of them. "We've always had your back, boss." She stated gently.

"It's not the same." Steve replied, turning away from them again. "It's never going to be the same. Those people really want to tell me something-how about one of them tells me why Danny's life is over? Huh? Or how Grace is _ever _going to know how much her father loved her or what he went through for her?" He demanded, running his hands through his hair as he began to pace. "I was supposed to go first. I was _always _ready to go first!" Steve shouted.

Sometime around when Steve had joined his first SEAL team, he had come to the realization that he most likely would die young and it was something he had come to accept as his military career had advanced. He lived a kind of 'fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants' lifestyle, never settling down to try to start a future he may not have. It had been working for him. And then his father died and his loner lifestyle was traded in ohana and commitment. He had been tricked into believing he could have actually grown old with Danny. Now he just felt cheated.

"Steve, I know you're angry-"

"I'm not angry, Kono. I'm pissed off, alright?" Steve snapped. "I don't need sympathy or empathy or any other emotion that you think will make things better because it's not going to work. I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone."

Steve punched one of the posts of the lanai as he stormed off down the stairs, ignoring the worried looks from the women still standing there. He was tired of talking because even one of Danny's rants couldn't change things now.


	6. Without You, What Do I Do With Me?

**a/n: **I'm sorry, I know it's been forever since I've updated but I have had the worst case of writer's block along with having an absolutely insane schedule. Not a good combination to have and I didn't want to just put something up to put it up. This story is far too important to me to do that. Thank you all for your patience. I hope this was worth the wait.

_Preacher came by Sunday, said he missed me at the service. He told me Jesus loves me but I'm not sure I deserve it. Because the faithful man that you loved is nowhere to be found since they took all he believed and laid it in the ground.—Alan Jackson, Monday Morning Church_

* * *

><p>Steve had always been a morning person. Ever since he was little, he'd been able to be awake and functioning as soon as he opened his eyes regardless of what time he had gone to bed or what time he had woken up. It had been a nice trait to have in the Navy and especially in combat when he had no idea what he'd be facing when woke suddenly. When he had returned to Hawaii, there really hadn't been a reason why he had to wake up at 4:30am (5am at the very latest) but it had been his routine his entire adult life and it was easier to just stick with it than to try to change.<p>

Danny had most definitely not been a morning person. He'd grumbled in his sleep when Steve would get up to go for his morning run. Steve would just smile as a string of sleepy curses followed him into the bathroom. On a good day, he would find Danny already awake and in the shower by the time he returned from his run and swim. The rest of the time, Steve had to drag his partner out of bed and haul him into the shower in an attempt to get them out of the door on time. He'd always bitched about how it didn't seem possible for someone who seemed to have such an excessive of energy during the day to be so lazy before 8am.

Of course, that had all been before the cancer.

For the first few months after the grim diagnosis, things stay relatively the same which allowed them to live in blissful denial that things weren't anywhere near as bad as the doctors had told them. It wasn't long before their bubble burst and Danny started to decline. One of the first changes that Steve noticed was a decline in the amount of energy Danny had. He could keep up a good charade at work and around Grace but when it was just the two of them alone at the house, Steve could see the toll it all took on him.

Danny had stopped grumbling at him when Steve woke every morning, if only because he was so deeply asleep that he didn't even notice his partner had left the bed. In return, Steve became more and more reluctant to drag Danny out of bed. The SEAL knew how much he needed the rest, especially as long as he kept insisting upon working. When Danny was finally forced to retire because of his declining health, Steve's routine changed as well.

Every morning, the first thing that Steve would do when he awoke was roll over and check to make sure his partner was still breathing. Once he was sure that Danny was still with him, he would get up and go about his normal run and swim but they were cut down significantly in time because he didn't want to be away from the house too long in case Danny needed him. He would then shower quickly and get dressed before going about getting the morning doses of medication ready along with a small breakfast. Once he had everything ready, Steve would go back upstairs and get Danny up and ready for the day before leaving for work.

During the last few weeks of Danny's life, there had been mornings (though Steve didn't want to admit it to anyone) that he didn't want to wake up. Because waking up meant facing the fact that it wasn't all part of some awful nightmare. Waking up meant facing the reality that this was his life-his partner and the man he loved might wake up with him that morning but not come back with him to bed that night. There was another part of him though that knew if that was the case, he didn't want to waste the precious time they had sleeping. It had been his motivation to get out of bed every morning. And now that motivation was gone.

Steve rolled his head to the side to look at the bedside clock that currently read 9:47am. He'd been awake for about twenty minutes now but he couldn't get his brain and body to work together to move him out of his spot on the bed. The weeks of running on adrenaline and fear had finally caught up to him and he had managed to get a more than a few hours of restless sleep. Only problem was now that he had convinced himself to get back into the bed that he had avoided for over a week, Steve couldn't find a reason to get back out of it. Danny's scent was still on the pillows and sheets on the other side of the bed that had remained untouched since he'd left them that morning. So when he closed his eyes, Steve could trick himself into believing for a little while that Danny was still there—that he hadn't left him all alone again.

Eventually, Steve came crashing back to reality though and finally forced himself to move from the bed to the bathroom. He wasn't sure who the man was that stared back at him from the bathroom mirror but it sure didn't look like him. He hadn't shaved since the day of the funeral so he was now sporting a week old beard and his hair was sticking up in every direction (when was the last time he'd combed it?) He splashed some cold water on his face and hap hazardously brushed his teeth before heading downstairs to start a pot of coffee.

As he was putting a couple pieces of bread in the toaster, Steve could hear someone knocking at the door. He groaned. He was not in the mood for company and he thought he had made that pretty clear to Chin and Kono the last time they had dropped by. He would have thought the hole in his living room wall where he had tried to put his fist through it was pretty convincing evidence that he wanted to be alone.

'_But isn't that what you ranted to them all about at the memorial service? That they all left you alone when you needed them?' _A voice in his head reminded as he stalked towards the front door.

"Yeah well, if I can make it through that alone, I can make it through this." Steve muttered to himself as he threw open the front door. His complaint to the cousins about not getting the point died in his throat as he saw his boss on the other side of the door.

"Governor, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting any visitors. Please come in." Steve ran a hand through his unusually disheveled hair as he looked around the house seemingly at a loss. Both he and his surroundings were clearly a mess.

"It's alright Steve. I just came by to see how you were holding up. I didn't get a chance to speak with you after the funeral." She said as she entered. He hung his head, slightly ashamed.

"I'm sorry about that." Steve said, rubbing his hand across his neck (a habit he'd picked up from Danny). "I wasn't ready to deal with people at that point. I….needed a little space." He admitted.

"From what I hear, you still do." The Governor pointed out.

"You talked to my team?" He asked, wondering what they could have possibly told her about his recent behavior.

"I talked to Chin. He's worried about you, Steve." She said sympathetically as she took a seat on the couch. She then added. "We're all worried about you."

"Oh, well that's very kind of you but I'm doing alright, really." He replied quickly with a half assed attempt at a smile.

"Steve, it's okay to be a bit of a mess right now. Nobody is expecting you to be alright. You've lost a part of yourself, it's okay to be upset." She informed, looking at him as Steve began to pace.

"Being upset isn't going to bring him back." Steve said, his jaw clenching as his face changed from a forced pleasantry to barely control anger.

"And being angry will?" Jameson pushed carefully.

She knew he was in a fragile state and playing with his emotions was a dangerous game but she needed to know where things stood with him. The SEAL had been on emergency family/medical leave for about two and a half months and he still technically had a few more weeks he could take before returning to work but she wasn't about to let him back on the taskforce until she knew for certain he was ready to be back. There was no way she was going to give him full means and immunity so he could turn around and kill himself with it.

"With all due respect ma'am, I don't think it's your place to tell me how I'm supposed to be feeling right now." Steve said as diplomatically as possible and Jameson could see how much restraint he was using to keep himself from saying something he shouldn't.

"Actually Steve, it is my place. I need to make sure that you're both mentally and emotionally fit to return to duty before I can reinstate you as the leader of the 5-0." She corrected and he deflated as some of the fight left him. "Steve, nobody is expecting you to back to normal right away but I need to know that you can do your job without going off the proverbial ledge." She added. Steve muttered something under his breath. "What was that?"

"I said I'll never be 'normal' again." He repeated, his voice breaking slightly.

"It might feel that way now but give yourself some time to heal and some day—"

"Don't say I'll get over him." Steve warned, a little of his previous growl returning.

"I was going to say it won't hurt as much." She stated carefully.

"I highly doubt that." Steve countered, crossing his arms over his chest. Governor Jameson sighed and stood.

"Take all the time that you need, Steve, but I'd like you to talk to someone before you return." She encouraged. Steve just looked at her.

"Like a shrink?" He asked, clearly displeased. The last thing he needed right now was someone to analyze him and tell him how he was supposed to deal with all of this. He knew how to deal with his grief—he was actually starting to get quite good at it.

"Yes, I'd like you to see some kind of grief counselor before I'll clear you for active duty." She nodded as she stood. Steve just continued to glare at her. "I can make it an order." She reminded.

"Yes ma'am." He replied with a sigh. There was no way he was going to be able to get around it and he could he could hear his mother's voice in his head. _'You don't have to like it, you just have to do it'_

"I'm only looking out for yours and 5-0's best interest." The Governor said as they walked towards the door. "You're never going to be able to move forward if you don't figure out a healthy way to deal with all of this and you are far too young to be miserable for the rest of your life." She stated before she left.

Steve leaned heavily against the door as he closed it behind her. He didn't have to worry about being miserable for the rest of his life because he didn't have one anymore. Danny had taken it with him at sunset two weeks ago and there wasn't a damn thing Steve could do to get either one of them back.


End file.
